Michael's StoryA Letter to Michael
July 16th, 2018
This date will never be forgotten.
This was one of the best days of my life.
I held you in my belly for 9 months and finally I brought this beautiful boy into this world, who I can raise, love and have him live down our last name. My son.
Everyday that I think of the day you were born, I wish I can go back in time.
I wish I embraced every hug and kiss I gave you.
I wish I told you I love you more.
Every memory I have with you won’t be forgotten.
I’ll never forget all the smiles, hugs, and kisses you learned to give me and everyone around you.
I’ll never forget how much you loved food. You truly appreciated every bite you took of Hashems food. You savored every bite and never left your plate empty.
I’ll never forget how much you loved to be outside. Every time I showed you your jacket, you would scream out of excitement and you were ready to get your shoes and go.
I’ll never forget when you saw my cup of coffee every morning and would say “hot”. You’d reach your arm out so I can have you feel the heat.
I’ll never forget how much you loved to see cars, buses, trucks and trains. You would just hear an engine and you’d say “this is a bus”.
Those four words will never be forgotten.
I’ll never forget how much you loved your sister, Pauline. No one has ever seen a love like this before. She would light up your world whenever she would enter the room. She felt that love from you and she won’t forget you either.
I’ll never forget how much you loved to jump in your bed and your stuffed panda. You would jump in your bed, hug your dolls, and tell them to “sit” down to talk with you.
I’ll never forget how much you loved your Daddy. Daddy was your everything. He was your first word, and the last person on this earth you requested to see. He will remember and love you forever and always.
March 16th, 202020 Months
This day was when all that happiness completely turned into pain.
All the memories we had, literally just became memories. No more happy and loving memories could be added to our brains.
The trauma that covers my mind, is unbearable, and sometimes I wish I have never walked into that room. You were laying with your eyes closed, peaceful but not breathing. I rubbed my eyes before I started screaming, praying what I was seeing was fake. But it wasn’t. I held you in my arms begging you to wake up. But you wouldn’t. I screamed at Hashem begging him to let you breathe again. But I wasn’t loud enough. I breathed in your mouth, hoping my breath could bring yours back. It didn’t. I held your cold and hard body, knowing this pain was SO real.
I feel pain, confusion, and complete trauma now when I think about you.
I WISH I can go back in time. I would change every moment we had together and make them 100 times more special.
Every day seems like a nightmare and I wish I would just wake up already.
I wake up every day and say Modei Ani. Thanking Hashem for the breathe he gives me and allows me to wake up in the morning.
You didn’t get that chance on March 16.
I go throughout the day trying to think of you and think of love and happiness but the pain covers it like a blanket. I need it to uncover.
The people around me help to lift me up, but without you, I don’t know how I’ll be able to see the light. Please be my guide.
Pauline misses you so much. She tells me every day. We hung up pictures in her room, so she will never forget all the amazing memories you had together.
Daddy misses you so so much. He doesn’t know how to move on without you. I know you are watching us and will help him learn to move on to the next chapter.
I do trust you will help all of us see the light. Your passing was meant to change us.
To change us to be better versions of ourselves.
To change to appreciate every moment, even when it’s so hard.
To change to help others and care for others.
To change to love one another without judgment.
To change to have a positive mindset and move forward.
Michael, I love you so much.
I miss you so much.
Love,
Your Mommy